Bloody Christmas

7 comments

Courtesy of The UKPress Email list some Friday Foo, remembering this special time of year :)

Quote:

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November 2004

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done
at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The
MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

**************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any
other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.
*****************

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now
since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management
believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

************************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2004

RE: Holiday Part

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a
little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant
women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit
with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have
their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's
table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross
dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food
will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.

*************************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F**ing Employees

DATE: 8 November 2004

RE: The F****ing Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly
put it, you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But
you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

******************************

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November 2004

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Comments

As you are so much better at this Jason

Congratulations on stepping up to organise the next TW bash. I can taste the pies now.

Lime Tree in Abundance!

LMFAO - Have I just been "volunteered" !!!

Quick as a flash, that boy ...

I'd say so, yes. Aaron already knows the way, and I'm sure that git from Denmark could be tempted into a reunion tour.

I think you have Jason....

... can you try not to make it December 23rd though - a bit too near to xmas for me.

;)

Let's chat about it next

Let's chat about it next week, I'm off home now for a weekend of Lime Tree Pantry stomach filling!

My Christmas wishlist...

* root access to JasonD's dev servers for 20 minutes
* a glimpse into DaveN's networks

:)

root access to JasonD's dev

Quote:
root access to JasonD's dev servers for 20 minutes

You can have root access mate. No problem at all with that.

If you don't mind waiting a few hours though cos I have a concert to go to where Britney is singing a duet with Elvis to the devil whilst having a snowball fight with some flying porkers :D

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.